So I put it to the test

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It would have been about two weeks ago my roommate Sarah and I went to this little get together for a friend’s birthday party. I am very social person but that particular night I wasn’t feeling super up to par because not to long before this shindig I broke my rib. So trying to enjoy myself was all I could do.

I decided I had enough walking around so I plopped myself on a counter and people watched. Out of the blue comes tall, dark and handsome with a corny pick-up line, “What are two beautiful girls like you sitting over here by yourselves.” I looked at Sarah and I think she laughed inside because all I could think was who is this cheese ball! He boldly started flirting with both of us. It wasn’t a competition to win his affection because I truly didn’t care. His attention focused on me, trying to analyze me. Some of his comments were general and others more spot on. Then it was my turn. One particular thing I believe that I am very good at is reading people. So I don’t think he was prepared for I was about to say. I started off by saying he was an extremely out going man, who had a lot of friends and was loved. But used his extroverted personality as a shield sometimes. He then looked at Sarah, who was still standing there like a loving friend, and said to her “wow, she is good at reading people isn’t she?” I laugh thinking about it but she responded with “Ya, she does that.”

Our conversation progressed from flirting to one of depth. We talked about our lives, goals, and even spiritual beliefs. We opened up to each other, and I could feel myself trusting what he had to say. I could feel myself respecting him. In the middle of our conversation he stated that I had said something that reminded him of a girl he had taken out a couple of times. My first thought was OF COURSE HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! But I realized I didn’t want a number or anything from him. I wanted that conversation. I told him to trust himself more and take care of his new budding relationship. I told him things that I was learning to do for myself.

When it was time to part ways, I didn’t feel sad that this guy wasn’t interested or that I probably would never see him again. I left the conversation feeling a sense of comfort, knowing full well the spirit had been there our entire time. I was so grateful for giving him a chance.

My first post in my blog I challenged myself to do this, to try to have an intimate conversation with a stranger. I know myself well enough that I can have a conversation with about anyone but its takes a trust within myself to be able to open up like the way that I did. It was a freeing experience. We became friends on Facebook but in all honesty I didn’t think I would see him again.

This last Friday was Halloween party night. My friends and I got all dressed up to celebrate being young and to dance our butts off. I was taking a breather from dancing when a man in a skirt and a hideous wig slowly tries to capture my attention. I noticed him but was ignoring him. Then as I went to refill my cup the man blocked me. I immediately realized it was my new friend from a couple weeks ago. I was so surprised and happy to see him. We started up as if the conversation had never ended. I conveyed how grateful I was for the experience and I told him I would share about it on my blog. He shared with me how I had impacted his life and I was grateful that what I said meant something to him. He is an amazing man and I am truly blessed to call him my friend.

I suggest giving yourself new goals everyday. Taking chances on something new. Trusting yourself more, because if you fall down Heavenly Father will be right there to give you hand to get right back on your feet.

I am 20-something just trying to figure it out.

Between a rock and a hard place

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  I was 18 years old when I experienced my first real heart ache. I was so young. I was a freshman in college, all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Ready to take on a triple major at the time. I will never forget the feeling like my heart had been ripped out my butt, that I would never breath again. I remember calling my mother telling her that I will never love again and that I didn’t deserve it. She told me then and has told me many times since that I will love again and deserved to be loved, I may not believe it now and I don’t have to, she would do it for me until I was ready to do it on my own.

The reason why I wanted to write this particular entry to my blog goes along with what I taught yesterday in Relief Society. There was no particular lesson to share so I had an opportunity to go off the cuff. I started by sharing some of my heartache stories; one involved the above story about my college love and another involved a long distance boy. In both situations when I was left hurting, I felt unworthy of being loved and that I had done something wrong. I called my mother again and she reminded me of my worth and that she continued to remind me until I was ready to believe it for myself.

I went on to share with my class that heartache can leave our hearts bruised and our confidences broken but significant events can have the same effect. Losing a job, struggling in school, family problems. I went through a situation about a month ago where I was in between a rock and a hard place financially. I felt that I was doing everything wrong. No matter how hard I prayed I felt that I never received an answer. I felt as if God had abandoned me. My confidence was breaking. I had texted about 15 of my best guy friends that I trusted to see if I could have priesthood blessing; not one of them responded. So one day after a really stressful event at work I felt like I was having a panic attack. Luckily for me I work right across from the Salt Lake City Temple. I composed myself walking past a ton of people till I could find some sisters or elders to help me. When I finally did I fell apart sobbing. I think I kind of scared them because I am a really ugly crier. When I finally found some elders to give me a blessing they said words that calmed my entire being and some that took me by surprise. The elder said to me that I am worthwhile, respected and loved more than I will ever truly comprehend and that my Heavenly Father believes it for me until I am ready to believe it for myself. True story.

I have a beautiful friend whom recently went through the temple. I can't truly express how proud of her I am especially for what she has been through recently. I will never forget the phone call she made to me telling me that her boyfriend had broken up with her. It may seem trivial to others but I could feel her pain through the phone, my heart broke for her. She swore up and down that she was never going to get married and she never deserved to be happy. I could only tell her was what I believed to be true. I know with certainty that she will make a fantastic mother and wife and that she does deserves every happiness. She didn’t have to believe it now because she wasn’t ready but until she was, I will believe it for her. She is one of the strongest women I know and my best friend.

No one said this life was going to be easy or this hard, the only thing God asked us to do was to endure. I choose to endure. I look at every moment in my life as a learning opportunity even when those moments really suck.

I’m just a 20-something just trying to figure it out

Realizing that change is good

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I have always been a believer that change is good. I have moved 9 times in the almost 4 years I have lived in Salt Lake City. My group of friends has changed as I have matured and so has my clothing styles. I never had a problem accepting change in my life.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with a complex form of depression.  My immediate thought was that I was crazy. I have always been this over-achiever; I have never quit anything in my life until I had to retire from my promising volleyball career.  The one thing my depression could never have anticipated was that I am a true to the bone optimist. It has always been a knee jerk reaction for me to find the optimism in everything. Fast forward to 2012, I am a better person for what I have survived and thrived through. Everyday is a hill that I willingly climb; I look forward to it.

My freshman year of college I took my first class of higher-level psychology. I left the class with my mind whirling. I remember calling my mother talking a million miles an hour. But the idea of majoring in psychology was out of the question for me. I was meant to be a doctor. I had this dream since I was 12, and I had no intention of letting go. When I started this fall semester, the idea of medical school made me anxious. That excitement I felt when I was younger was gone. I was looking into psychology and what I could do with it, but I didn’t tell anyone. I wasn’t prepared to.  

It has always been one of my favorite things to talk to my friends about situations in their lives and how I can talk them through it; it was never my motive to solve their problems but rather to listen and care. I could feel myself slowing loving the idea of being a counselor more and more. I always believed that everyone at some point in his or her lives could use therapy.

I took a deep breath and accepted what was right in front of me, I am meant to be a counselor. I changed my major to psychology. To best express how I feel since I accepted my change is absolute happiness. I look forward to all the good I will have the ability to do. The funny thing is now when people ask me what my major is and I tell them, the first thing they ask is if I am analyzing them. I laugh because my pedestal will never be high enough to for me to feel I have any right analyze someone when immediately meeting them.

Change is such a wonderful blessing. I have a path in front of me that I look forward to and I expect even more change along the way and I embrace it with an open heart and mind.

I’m just a 20-something figuring it out.