I was depressed. Why? It just happens.
I recently started preparing my application for my Grad program. AHHH!!! I have to write an essay for my I should be accepted into the program and what are my intentions with my degree. Well let me try to put it into words.
When I was first diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I lost my freaking mind! I was so angry. I was the over-achiever. All star volleyball player, solid student, I had my shit together! All of the sudden I felt I had no control! Over myself, my emotions, my life. I started seeing a therapist, Jackie. In my first session, I spout the story that I had become quite used to telling. I laid out the many avenues of trouble that would need to be traveled to help me find some control and clarity. Jackie said to me " I can't fix you, that is not my job. You need a coach and I will be that coach."
4 years I spent on her couch crying, screaming, laughing, contemplating. I didn't realize that I had been living in the middle of the storm with an option to leave at any moment. I had no idea how to help myself.
There is no quick fix for depression, sometimes it just happens. As I have grown and matured with my trials and tribulations I have learned to manage it and accept it.
Recently I have been posting a ton on my Facebook and Instagram about my gym life and what it has given me. I am very proud of my hard work yet I am most proud of what I have overcome. Yes, working out and competing gave me clarity and happiness but it gave me the opportunity to forgive.
My father passed away in December of 2013 and to be blunt we had a horrible relationship. A relationship affected many other aspect in my life. I was so angry with him for 18 years that forgiveness was hardly an option. When he passed away, I threw myself into workout because it was the best distraction. I refused to fall apart and be depressed about his death, little did I know that I was. As I shed more and more weight I began to shed emotional weight. I began to accept that my father had hurt me and rather than revel in the pain I began to let it go. It was a day by day process. Jackie coached me through my mourning. She also refused to see me fall apart.
Before I took the stage at my first competition, a new friend who I told my story to said to me : " I know your father would be so proud of you." It took everything in me not to breakdown and mess up my make up. I my Who I'd Like to Thank portion of my competition I listed my father because I could recognize that my being there was my tribute to him. I could forgive.
Now I realize that this post is all over the place so let me bring it home. I have not intention of fixing the world's emotional instability. That's impossible. I want to teach people how to help themselves when their world seems dark and hopeless. I want to help people learn how to work through the struggles of life. I want to help people have a better outlook on life. I have learned that you choose whether or not to get up in the morning, but the day will still go with or without you.
Competing has taught me that if you can heal the mind you and body. I have a confidence that I have never had before. I believe that I am capable of doing great things. I can say that I love myself and believe it.
As I prep my application, I feel my passions flame burning a little brighter. I choose to go through life with optimism and a determined attitude. As I continue to move forward I remember I am a 20-something just trying to figure it out.
If you are interested in following me and/or my life:
Instagram: @lexijohn7
Thank you for all the love and support!
