Let me paint you a word picture.
I climb my six stairs to my apartment in animal mode (all four) because at any moment my legs are going to give out on me. Its not even leg day. I am exhausted, hangry, cranky, but determined. I am currently training for my second figure competition. Why? Why the hell not!
I have been meaning for a while to update my blog and I apologize that I have just not made the time.
I remember the first time I talked to my coach, Taylor Rhea. She said there would be days where my 100% was not the same as before. I would want to quit, cry, complain. That every moment would suck until that moment that I step on stage my hard work would suddenly be all worth the pain.
I began thinking back in October 2013 that I should do a bodybuilding competition. I had several friends and family that competed and trained. Yes, they looked amazing but overall you could tell they had unlocked some sort of secret to happiness. I remember thinking "All I want is abs and a fantastic ass." Besides my window shopping and envy, I did not have a general plan of action. I figured I had about 60 lbs. to lose before I would even look remotely attractive like the female competitors.
Early December I signed my mother and I up for a 6-week challenge through my gym. The challenge was to lose 20 lbs. or 7% body fat in 6 weeks. The pressure being that you were betting $500 against yourself. I barely had $500 to spend let alone lose. This was my chance to step up my game. The challenge started January 1st. So I indulged like it was my last meal while going to the gym.
And then my dad passed away.
I could hear the brakes of my life screeching to a halt. You see my father and I had a difficult relationship. We had not had communication for a year and a half prior. When my tears stopped and my eyes so puffed I could barely see, anger set in. I was moving to my apartment at the same time. I threw myself into it for distraction. I didn't want to sit, think, speak about it. Can you blame me though?
He passed away on the 30th. My new weight loss challenge started on the 1st. Many people told me there was nothing wrong with walking away from the challenge. Do they not know me? I have never quit anything. I committed $500, I was determined to see this through. This was my time when I was supposed to be mourning. A free pass to binge, cry and watch every Nicholas Sparks movie Yet I was working my ass off twice a day, going to school, eating a ridiculously strict diet, and mourning.
I lost 11% bodyfat. My clothing was loose, my face thinner, my instagram posts showing more skin. The change in my body was great but I needed/wanted more. And that is when I found Taylor. She was honest from the start. Appreciating my gung-ho attitude to do a figure competition. When she asked my why I wanted to compete, I knew she wanted the naked soul truth. I told her of my father passing away. My personal struggles with the loss of love. My insecurities with my physical appearance. I told her that I needed this. Working out had become my therapy, my church, and my place to forget for a moment. I needed her to save me.
For 15 weeks I worked my boobs off. Yes, I say boobs because sadly they were the first to go when my training became more intense. The last 8 weeks is when I saw the most change. Physically, I looked better that I had ever in my life. Emotionally, I held myself with more confidence. I was less angry. When I thought of my Father, it was with love. I was proud to be me. My father used to compete and train. Bodybuilding was one thing we had in common. I didn't want to admit it but a small part of me was doing this for him.
When it was finally show time; my nails were done and my tan perfectly golden. I realized this was it. I walked down the stairs where all the competitors gathered in a large basement. Women changing, men posing, and all of them checking each other out. Sizing up their competition. What had I gotten myself into?!
I rush to find a "private" corner to change into my barely there sparkly bikini. I was so nervous that another girl had to help me tie it.
"NOVICE GROUP C"
SHIT!! They call my group and I am about to lose it! My wonderful tanning lady helped my glue my suit to my ass. Yes, my suit was glued to my ass. Just one of the many humors. I was so nervous about making it up there, that when I did my nerves were gone. I stepped on that stage, took my first pose and felt what Taylor had been telling me. That moment. That wonderful, uncomfortable, fantastic moment. That is what I had worked my boobs off for.
I did not place, but I did not expect to. My prize was meeting so many wonderful people, feeling beautiful in my own skin and making it up there.
So now I prepare for my second competition. I feel blessed to have the support that I do. Many people believe in me. I believe in myself. Since January I have lost 48 lbs. I found my happiness and clarity and I do not plan on giving it up anytime soon.
I'd rather look back and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying "I wish I did that".
As I revel in my clarity and happiness I remember I am a 20-something just figuring it out.
