Between a rock and a hard place

-->

  I was 18 years old when I experienced my first real heart ache. I was so young. I was a freshman in college, all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Ready to take on a triple major at the time. I will never forget the feeling like my heart had been ripped out my butt, that I would never breath again. I remember calling my mother telling her that I will never love again and that I didn’t deserve it. She told me then and has told me many times since that I will love again and deserved to be loved, I may not believe it now and I don’t have to, she would do it for me until I was ready to do it on my own.

The reason why I wanted to write this particular entry to my blog goes along with what I taught yesterday in Relief Society. There was no particular lesson to share so I had an opportunity to go off the cuff. I started by sharing some of my heartache stories; one involved the above story about my college love and another involved a long distance boy. In both situations when I was left hurting, I felt unworthy of being loved and that I had done something wrong. I called my mother again and she reminded me of my worth and that she continued to remind me until I was ready to believe it for myself.

I went on to share with my class that heartache can leave our hearts bruised and our confidences broken but significant events can have the same effect. Losing a job, struggling in school, family problems. I went through a situation about a month ago where I was in between a rock and a hard place financially. I felt that I was doing everything wrong. No matter how hard I prayed I felt that I never received an answer. I felt as if God had abandoned me. My confidence was breaking. I had texted about 15 of my best guy friends that I trusted to see if I could have priesthood blessing; not one of them responded. So one day after a really stressful event at work I felt like I was having a panic attack. Luckily for me I work right across from the Salt Lake City Temple. I composed myself walking past a ton of people till I could find some sisters or elders to help me. When I finally did I fell apart sobbing. I think I kind of scared them because I am a really ugly crier. When I finally found some elders to give me a blessing they said words that calmed my entire being and some that took me by surprise. The elder said to me that I am worthwhile, respected and loved more than I will ever truly comprehend and that my Heavenly Father believes it for me until I am ready to believe it for myself. True story.

I have a beautiful friend whom recently went through the temple. I can't truly express how proud of her I am especially for what she has been through recently. I will never forget the phone call she made to me telling me that her boyfriend had broken up with her. It may seem trivial to others but I could feel her pain through the phone, my heart broke for her. She swore up and down that she was never going to get married and she never deserved to be happy. I could only tell her was what I believed to be true. I know with certainty that she will make a fantastic mother and wife and that she does deserves every happiness. She didn’t have to believe it now because she wasn’t ready but until she was, I will believe it for her. She is one of the strongest women I know and my best friend.

No one said this life was going to be easy or this hard, the only thing God asked us to do was to endure. I choose to endure. I look at every moment in my life as a learning opportunity even when those moments really suck.

I’m just a 20-something just trying to figure it out